I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Randomize
