why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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