I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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