isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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