If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
