Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize