Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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