The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
