at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Randomize
