who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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