I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
