Your face is a jimmy john
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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