I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
