I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
this boner is exhausting
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
