Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
