Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
