You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Randomize
