Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
