can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
