it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
