so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
