just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
