I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
