you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
