I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
