She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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