I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
