I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
