one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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