Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
