I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
