Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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