I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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