Already got asked if we're dating
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize