3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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