I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
