I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
