Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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