If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
