I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
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