I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
