My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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