Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
