It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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