Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize