This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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