Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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