how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
