Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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