I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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