I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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