when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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