Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
