I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize
