apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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