Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
